Saw a headline yesterday that we have three years to save the earth. I thought would the complete wiping out of the human race be such a bad thing? I mean what would life be like in three years time.
Well if Trumpty McTrump face has not got us all evaporated he will have bombed everywhere he can. This will probably include parts of the world that “sound a bit Islamey “or serve Mexican food. We will have Trump News so we will hear things ” “truthistfully” and Shredded Wheat will become proud sponsors of his hair. The Price is Right will get a revamp as it gives away medication as prizes with Al Pachino shouting “wheel them in” not “come on down” It is sponsored by R Stiff and Son , Arkansas’ number one undertaker and mobile disco.
The Middle East will have been bombed to shit and is now redivided. We have Oil Field One which covers most of it, then Israel has the rest except a strip of land in similar size to Southend Pier. This is shared on a rota basis between everyone else. Saudi Arabia has actually sunk under the weight of its weapons, appalling human rights records and over the top furniture.
In England people are also having difficulty finding health care but in typical British fashion they are raising money for treatment by sitting in baths full of beans. This has seen a surge in B list celebrities reappearing as Timmy Mallett , Christopher Biggins and Bonny Langford present this for entertainment. The hospitals have seen record numbers of staff leave the profession as Tory policy is now that they actually have to pay to work. All medical staff are being replaced by dinner ladies who will treat everything with a wet paper towel and an oversized plaster. The sick will also be encouraged to “go outside your not that ill” leaving thousands of bewildered people wandering the streets with drips and catheters. Most will gather around bus stops and the local Greggs. Richard Branson Pickle has actually privatised death so they may be wandering around for some time.
London will have been transformed as brightly coloured murals adorn the walls. The DUP have moved into Number Ten and have been claiming money for every vote they support. Theresa May has complied as they have said they will kneecap her otherwise. Education has been transformed with Science being removed to be replaced with Creatoinsim. Religious Education consists of lessons in how to shout whilst holding a bible and ignoring all the good bits and History is written from a white male Protestant point of view. So no change there. Uniforms are bowler hats suits and sashes for the boys and nothing for the girls as they don’t go to school as we wouldn’t want them getting any ideas now would we. Catholics have all been sent to Rome where they are being forced to camp in the streets and earn money by cleaning the Vatican Bankers Bugattis. The entire LGBT community have been sent to Camp David as Trump thought this sounded the most “gayiteest place in America and therefore the world” and does not use it. Fake shock was expressed when this actually included the majority of the DUP and its followers as well as several key members of the Royal family and Tommy Robinson. All other ethnic minorities, communities and religions have joined forces to stay just to piss the bastards off and they are doing a fantastic job of it. All colours other than Orange have been banned and Trump is therefore see as a god, as are the majority of girls from Essex and the Home Counties. Tantastic has recently been trading on the stock market with its share price rocketing. Public transport has been banned and it is compulsory to travel everywhere by marching, giong through people’s houses and gardens instead of roads as it is our right to march. Houses are heated with huge pallet bonfires with suitably offensive imagery and signs on them. These are policed by Katie Hopkins who can always be relied on to think of something vile and hateful to say.
Social housing has been revamped and is now 63 Astrocan Place, Wigan. The family who live there Mr &Mrs C Unty and their children Brexit and Maggie are in the process of buying the property through “right to buy” so there are no signs that the waiting list for housing will go down. The government expressed deep concern over the homeless situation but said they really can’t be arsed to do anything as they majority don’t vote Tory. The emergency services are now non existent and we have various community groups doing the job of the police. On a Wednesday the Women’s league of Knitters patrols London and the south east whilst the North of England has been left to basically rot as a tribute to Margaret Thatcher. The EDL and Britain First have actually joined forces to become “England First League of Defence in Britain” and they spend their time waving crosses at bemused people, insulting them and shouting about things they have read in the Daily Mail, the Sun and from that woman who lives near a mosque and can’t park on a Friday. They are loosing numbers as immigration is no longer an issue as the country is so bad that people would rather be at home suffering than in the UK. The EDFLOB have tried to recruit members through its children’s club with its fluffy mascot “Boris the Bigotted Badger” and monthly newsletter but it did not take off. They recently were awarded charity status however, with Prince Phillip as Patron.
Government no longer exists and instead we decide laws through “it’s a knockout”. Last week it was decided to privatise the Queens spleen as Jeremy Hunt wearing a giant foam sumo suit beat Barry Gardiner wearing hilariously oversized shoes over a bouncy castle assault course covered in foam and the tears of the Nation. Cameras clearly saw Hunt cheated but there will be no investigation as the CPS, human rights, court of appeal and in fact all justice systems have been banned. The news is now owned by FOX/SKY after it won a bidding war with the BBC over rights to show live news on television. The BBC cannot show any news on Saturday between 3-6pm and can only show a highlights programme at 11pm. It’s daily output is Emily Matliss walking around wearing a sandwich board. Sugar was implicated in the possibility of telling sky how much the BBC bid was however it was soon discovered he was an irrelevant twat so no change there.
The benefits system has been further changed with it getting harder to receive benefits and also keep them. New rules includ having to show your right to Citizenship by tracing your family back to the Middle Ages and sanctions are enforced if you cannot recite the lyrics to a randomly chosen song. Last week a single mother in South London lost her money as she did not know the words to “Club Tropicana” by Wham.
Jon Snow has become the leader of a rebel group called “fuck the Tories – I really said it this time” and Hilary Benn has been disowned by his father in a message he sent via a medium, Mrs I C Deadple. She was gripped by the beyond near the tinned soup aisle in Tesco, Billericay. Tony Benn not only said what a total cockwomble his son was but also pointed out that it was three for two on mulligatawny this week.
Obviously I don’t want the planet to be completely mess up and obviously everything here is firmly tongue in cheek ( have to say that as I don’t have the energy to explain a thousand times – she knew that the Bee Gees wrote those songs it was a joke). Just so peed off at the bloody Tories I thought we could do with a laugh .We will overcome and The Labour Party under Jeremy Corbyn has to succeed. I don’t want to live in a world where the voice of reason is Piers Morgan.
Have a good day x